Though many remain incredulous, including my beloved, I have no intention of seeing the movie World War Z. Most certainly I'll catch it on HBO sometime, or Netflix. But I will not pay so very much money for a theater to show me a movie I find offensive on so very many levels. The very first reason is that I don't like bait'n'switch. One shouldn't name a bologna sandwich 'peanut butter and jelly' just to get in on the popularity of a childhood staple. To those of us familiar with the Zombie oeuvre, that is precisely what this movie does. The book, World War Z, written by Mel Brooks' son Max, has no resemblance at all to the movie. As Max Brooks has famously said, the only thing the movie has to do with the book is the name.
It's not just that simple. The book was a terrific effort at fantasizing the oral history of those who would survive such a global and horrible conflict. The characters were often not heroic, sometimes stupid, frequently morally questionable, a tad delusional and essentially human in crisis. The book portrayed a reality that wasn't, though the people very well could have been. By the trailers and reviews, the movie seems to be a Brad Pitt action venue. Sorry, but I have no interest in seeing how Brad Pitt would react to a Zombie Apocalypse. I would rather know how my neighbors would react; how my co-workers would react. I would rather fantasize about how I would react (the point of a movie) without having to be BRAD PITT!
And another thing. As my friend Derek Koch so famously (to me) once wrote:
and, I'm sorry, man . . . zombies DON'T RUN. It's a fact, brother . . . a FACT. :)
No. No they really don't. The SFX guy for the movie seems to think they should, but his reasoning is bullshit. He says:
"I think a major change in zombie behavior in this was if something were to bite you, well, you're still fresh, you're still able to move quickly. But now you don't think about yourself. You only think about where's my next bite, where's my next takedown. And you will run as fast as you can because you're still healthy, and you'll lead with your teeth to take the next human down,"
Excuse me? No. Wrong. Try again. The whole point of 'Zombies' is that they're DEAD! They're not "fresh". They are corpses. Getting bitten doesn't turn you into a zombie. DYING turns you into a zombie. Running more than a hundred yards requires oxygenation of the blood, which you can't do as a zombie. YOU'RE DEAD. You don't breath. You don't have blood flow. Rigor mortis sets in a matter of few hours. Of course, since you're still moving you avoid that, but you won't be moving fast. Yes, they will be moving as fast as they can, which isn't very fast at all except over extremely short distances. Derek is correct. Zombies don't run. It's a fact, brother, a fact.
What Max Brooks proposed was within the bounds of frightening reality. Due to mass panic, personal relationships and the total disbelief that the dead can come back, zombies could pose a serious threat to human existence. What Brad Pitt proposes is a losing scenario, where ants dressed like humans could take over the world in mere months. That's not a movie I really want to see. When all is said and done, I won't suspend disbelief. Certainly not for the inevitable sequels.
This is the way the way the movie should have been done:
Still, I won't leave you empty handed. Let's review the best weapons by which zombies can be put down: