A Chicken Is Not Pillage

Conservative Horror Films?

Sadly No! is like the good friend who makes you laugh, but when you help them move, they leave the heavy lifting to you.  So it is here.  They present the visage of John Hawkins, hawking movies for Halloween that are, in his opinion, conservative approved!  Unfortunately, Tintin gets distracted by pizza, and really, don't we all?  In his haste to describe conservative pie, Tintin neglects the challenge presented.  I can do no such thing.

There isn't a person who knows me, or has read this website for long many years, who doesn't know that I love horror movies.  I can appreciate the nuance and accept the gore.  These film extravaganzas are not terribly deep, never have been.  It is easy to see social or political relevance in some them, but that's nothing more than a gaming overlay, amusement for discussion and contemplation.  The search for social relevance in the genre is a personal quest to understand the director or the story teller in terms of one's own mythology, and has fuck-all to do with what the horror movie is all about.  Horror movies are about chilling you, the viewer, getting your adrenaline up.  In the best case, social conflict enhances that; in the worst it assumes that social conflict as scary and exploits it  for no thrills whatsoever.  Angst is personal, and varies subject to subject.  Good horror film makers understand that.  Bad ones, and John Hawkins, do not.

With that in mind, I offer my critiques of Hawkins Top Ten Conservative horror movies, and elucidate the shallow alternative descriptions he meant to write.

Cloverfield:

It is one of the good 'Giant Monster' movies, but face it, it doesn't hold a candle to the original Godzilla.  Hawkins gives credit to the creepiness of the filming, stolen directly from the Blair Witch Project.  The characters are fundamentally decent, if you ignore the backstabbing love liaisons.  Hawkins relies on the common trope of "ordinary people" to project a glimmer of conservatism.  How ordinary is a person going to be if a giant monster attacks their town?  Just because conservatives think it would be so, therefore it is, in the mind of Hawkins.  Being ordinary does not make one conservative, and acting a the viewer expects most often gets you killed in horror movies.  Oh, wait, it does here too.  The conservative trope that really gives Hawkins a stiffy is the brave military response, futile as it is.  Every giant monster movie ever made has the same thing, and in most, the military is victorious.  Think Them or Tarantula.  

Realistic Hawkins review:  Oh shit, that lib haven New York sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe.

The Dead Zone

Seriously?  How is this conservative?  Christopher Walkin plays a deranged mentalist, gifted with a power he didn't want, and slowly slipping into madness due to his visions that a President would cause Armageddon.  He commits suicide by cop trying to stop the holocaust, and exposes the 'bad guy' for a coward.  Hawkins' view of this movie is of a patriot, a movie filmed when Ronald Reagan was joking about nuking Russia, written by a man who thought Reagan was a monster.  Do I really need to clarify more how screwed up Hawkins' evaluation is here?  Well sure I do.

The Dead Zone is not a horror movie.  It's a thriller, like a spy movie, with a supernatural element.

The only real reason that anyone would or could concede that this movie is a 'patriotic' celebration of conservatism is that we have a Darkie in the White House that conservatives don't like, and someone, anyone, must stop him at all cost.  Glenn Beck probably thinks of this movie as porn, because he doesn't understand it.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Would somebody please try and kill that Kenyon?

The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I can't even treat this film seriously.  It was God awful.  It was boring.  It was derivative of another film on this list, and it just sucked like a Hoover plugged to a 220 outlet.

Realistic Hawkins review:  They didn't declare war on Christmas so that's a plus ...

The Exorcist

I still find this to be one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.  It also has the best soundtrack of any horror film ever.  That's saying something coming from a huge fan of John Carpenter.  But let's be real.  This movie holds terror only for those steeped in Christian dogma, and nominally aware of Catholic faith.  I do find it contradictory that Hawkins celebrates this film as 'conservative' when it stands as an affront to evangelicals.  Also, self sacrifice is not a hallmark of conservatism, unless it's a priest, apparently.  Here's the dealio.  In this movie, the power of Jesus couldn't control the demonic entity.  Only human sacrifice could.  What would that message be, again?  And of course, Hollywood never treats the members of the clergy with respect, unless they do.  (Hawkins is amazing in that he contradicts himself in the same review.)

Realistic Hawkins review:  Dude, the underage chick does that thing with the cross.  Crap, where's my lotion?

The Fog

Don't get me wrong, I love this film.  But it is not 'conservative'.  The pirates kill anyone who gets in their way, regardless of party affiliation.  It doesn't matter if the town gets its comeuppance; they screwed with pirates, for Christ's sake.  In Hawkins' world, Pirates=Good, Descendants of Townfolk=Bad.  We all like Pirates, of course, but come the fuck right on.  Aren't conservatives the same bunch of assholes screaming, 'well I didn't kill Injuns or enslave people, so I'm not to blame'.  The point of the movie is:  YES, you really are.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Oh shit, that lib haven in California sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe

The Mist

Seriously, this is my favorite horror film of the last ten years.  Now, Hawkins describes it thusly:

A sinister story about a deadly government experiment and how quickly human beings can become primitive again when they're isolated, alone, and in danger.

Did he even watch the damned movie?  The primitive he's describing is Christian fundamentalism.  Anyone who's ever read a Chick Tract knows the danger of Christian Talibangelicals under stress.  The antagonist of the film is a female James Dobson on crack.  How is this even remotely conservative?  This movie is anti-out-of-control military, pro-humanist and extremely anti-fundamental religion.

Realistic Hawkins review:  They'd have been safe if they'd given up to God.  And Gubmint sucks; lack of Gubmint will turn you into a killer, so the Gubmint sucks.

Quarantine

I admit, I like this film.  The same film techniques as Blair Witch and Cloverfield were used here, to great effect.  Hawkins reads this as some kind of anti-Gubmint screed, and suggests that you don't get trapped in a building with the Gubmint outside and zombies you didn't even know about inside.  Socialist cops and firefighters try to do their jobs and the Gubmint betrays them.  They should have done their own conservative thing ... BY NOT RESPONDING TO THE CALL?  This review, more than any other, convinces me that Hawkins is a fucking moron.

Realistic Hawkins review:  At least the hot MSM journalist gets munched ... And the gubmint wants to protect you from rabies.  They should have just wizarded up a cure out of their socialist asses.  HOW DARE THEY PROTECT THE PUBLIC! (Quarantines are fascist, man.)

The Reanimator

This movie is conservative ... to the psychotic.  Yes, there is a message about playing God, and it's not a nice one.  That was Lovecraft's intent when he wrote the damned thing.  The message?  Don't experiment to save lives because it might save Grandma.  Let her die.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Dude, chick gets tongue raped by a corpse.  Where's my lotion ...

The Silence Of The Lambs

NOT A HORROR MOVIE!  It's a thriller, and a very good one.  But, contrary to Hawkins' earlier points, it shows quite clearly that the Gubmint is looking out for you and hiring the best and the brightest.  Notice, Hawkins doesn't say how this movie was 'conservative'.  He was just trying to fill his list, and ran home to momma as it were.  Ohhh, let's feed 'em a cop movie; they'll like that.   I call total bullshit on this.  What this movie really says is that horror is out there.  Sometimes Gubmint can helps, sometimes it can't.

Realistic Hawkins review:  That scene where the dude who plays Captain Stotlemayer puts his dick tween his legs?  Yeah, I've done that.

And,  The Tripper

I couldn't even make it half way through this suckfest.  Even by slasher movie standards, this is not a good film.  But I do notice that it's the only film that Hawkins even weakly linked to.  Perhaps he's terrified of IMDB.  Hawkins' review is remarkably telling, however:

In a couple of spots near the end of the movie, it does manage to grate conservative sensibilities. However, that mild annoyance does not to detract from the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie.

Hawkins only wants to see his Straw Man of liberals die horribly.  There's really nothing else to qualify this as a "conservative film".

Realistic Hawkins review:  Libruls DIE DIE DIE!  Someone else please, because I'm too chickenshit ... and I still can't find my lotion.  MOM....

Perhaps I will post the best liberal horror movies for Halloween.  I doubt it, though.  The spirit of the holiday is fear, and that knows no ideology.

I'll Take That Bet

Sadly No! offers the truly funny.

Fer Real?

Beware of the concentrated dumbass.  Counting is FUNdamental.

Boycott Is GO!

Though I must confess, I thought this would take  slightly longer.

It seems some of the Dittoheads are so incensed at the shabby treatment that Rush's erstwhile partners gave him that they're going to take it out on the NFL, it's product suppliers and advertisers with ... A BOYCOTT!  The NFL is doomed.  America will notice when it's overwhelmingly favorite professional sport dwindles to nothing.  Liberals will rue the day.  Imminent rueage ...

Okay, no one is taking this seriously, except for Glen Reynolds of course.  It doesn't take a strong mind to realize that this effort is futile to the point of humorously pathetic.  Last I checked the Facebook site dedicated to this effort had about 90 whole fans.  That's gonna leave a mark.  But you do have to admire the pluck of these economic warriors. 

Wait, no you don't.  Read the post because the comments are priceless.  Some of my faves presented here:

Watch for Obama to take over the NFL next. No, not a joke.

Rush said so!  Watch for it!  These people really do think that everything spewing from that man's gob is some form of gospel.

so what does the nfl think of the 25 million americans who listen to limbaugh?

That many will keep watching and you won't have any effect?  Yeah, that about sums it up.  Entertainment is entertainment.  One form does not preclude the other.  Also, trendwise, NFL viewership is still growing while Rush's is shrinking.

Finally, comment that makes great sense:

Whenever I hear about someone boycotting something, I always ask the question of how far are they willing to take it? Most people don't seem to realize just how interconnected our society is. An example of this is illustrated by playing the degrees of separation game.

So let's do this with Mr. Limbaugh and his radio program. Rush works for Premiere Radio Networks. Premiere Radio Networks also employs Bob Costas and Jim Rome. Both of these sports radio personalities have relationships with the NFL and NFL teams. They both get guests for their radio shows representing the NFL (either coaches, players, or management). This means that Premiere Radio Networks is able to sell advertising based on the content of these programs, especially during Super Bowl week. This equates to revenue and profit.

If Rush's listeners really want to boycott the NFL and their corporate sponsors, then they will have to quit listening to Rush's radio show. Rush will also need to resign from his job because he would be working for a company that supports the NFL.

How's that free market working for you Dittoheads?

Maybe Rush could just form his own NFL team.

Ultimately speaking, this comment points to the true stupidity of Rushbo's butt kissers.  They don't understand what happened or even how the NFL works.  It is a private entity.  75% of owners must agree to accept a new owner into the league.  Rush could form his own team with his own money.  He could call them the Lily White Oxycontins, for all anyone cares.  But they won't play in the NFL.

If we could get the fans in the stadium to stay home for a few games, now that would send a message. No food or beverage or hats or shirt income. Just think empty stadiums, that would send a big message for the TV audience!!!

Doesn't that sound like Saint Louis already?

I'd like to go along 100%, but we need to make an exception for the one team that is the acme of all that is right, good, and true in this world, the Miami Dolphins.

This cracks me up.  BOYCOTT ... except my team.

How is not watching going to be meaningful. Who knows if you watch? I could write on here that I quit watching and what does that accomplish? How many are "really" going to quit buying products that they use every day.

When these asshats go after Miller Lite, I'll think they're serious, and laugh even harder.

What a shame. Rush always wanted to be a minority owner.

Clever.

When there was public outrage over the Dixie Chicks, it was media fostered and had impact  When folks rebelled because Glenn Dumbass Beck called Obama a racist the effect was very real to his advertisers.  I'm not certain that there's a diminuative small enough to describe this tempest in a teapot.  This might have weight if FOX were to through their support behind it, but seriously, who carries the contract for the NFC?  That's right, FOX.  They will sell conservatives down the river for cash, without even thinking about it.  This movement goes nowhere ... but Glen Reynolds gave it a thumbs up.

In truth, I think this whole thing was a Rush manufactured stunt.  His ratings are flagging, he's losing control of the Republican party due to media scrutiny, and his awful BS is coming back to haunt him with his own advertisers.  Remember that comment that pointed out his 25 million listeners?  He's trying to keep them.   Enabling their hate is certainly one way to do it.  They represent 7% of the American population.  For a boycott of the NFL to succeed, they have to get 7% to convince the rest of us that the NFL is evil.  For his goal to succeed, he merely needs to keep his 7% happy.  Jabba the Rush is an awful bloated drug abusing sex tourist, but he's not stupid.  When he saw an opportunity for controversy, he chased it, and this is the result:  keeping the stupid, stupid.

Conservative Socialists

I admit.  I have been perversely fascinated with the whole right-wingnut freak out over Boss Limpdick not getting what he wanted.

There have been threats.

'You'll get yours, intolerant liberal darky lovers!'

There has been the lamest use of Captain Oxycontin as victim I think I've read.  Not to mention the most offensively racist defense of institutional racism one could  ever encounter.

'If Rush is an asshole, it's the Negroes fault.'

There have been the weak attempts to blame "liberals" for what happened.

'You think you're tolerant?  That means letting us walk on you, ya know ...'

There have been hard attempts at the same.

'Liberals suck because they don't like RUSH!!!  I'll sue!'  (Thank you, Sally Brown.)

There are the attempts to prove that Rush isn't really offensive because people attack him unfairly.

'You lying liberals!  How dare you take offense at the man who has nothing but disdain for you!'

There's also been the most maniacally and humorously insane appeal to conservative victimhood ever put to words.

"We are all Rush Now".

From beginning to end, all of this is bullshit.  It ignores the facts at hand.  Jay has a good post about this up at LITW and he ignores it too.  The NFL, the NFL Player's Association, the NFL players,  the NFL owners, the liberals and the media had absolutely nothing to do with Rush getting booted from his bid to buy the Rams.  Nothing.  Notta.  ZIP SQUAT.  Let's be clear as all hell about the reality.  Limpdick got dumped by the consortium which was seeking to buy the Rams.  No one else.  It was a business decision, pure and simple.  They want to make money on the purchase of their commodity and were informed in no uncertain terms that Limbaugh would be a drag on that profit.  Football people,  for whatever reason, just don't seem to like that asshole.  He's incendiary.  He's offensive.  He's combative.  Those things, in the minds of the people dumping him, have little to do with 'liberals', and everything to do with sales and profit.

Limbaugh is touting, on his website, a quote from Tony Dungy:

DUNGY: You know, I guess it bothered a lot of people, it really didn't bother me. I think anybody should have the right to pursue whatever they want, they should go through the process just like anyone else and there would be 28 owners that would vote and I think the process should be able to go forth. I don't like it when people say "because of this he shouldn't be allowed to do that." We don't have any minority ownership in the NFL right now, and I think, you know, that just strikes me as the same thing, because of the way this guy looks, because of the way he sounds, because of his political bent, that he shouldn't be allowed to own a team, I think that's something that the 28 owners should decide and not the general public.

Limbaugh thinks that this supports him, but then he's an idiot.  Dungy points out clearly that race plays a part in the NFL process.  He also misses the truth spectacularly.  The owners never got a chance to vote because Limbaugh got dumped by his potential partners.  The general public didn't decide this, save that we are a consumer society and the consumers said, no.  'We will not buy your brand of crap if it involves this jackass'.  One of the more conservative owners of the NFL, Isley of the Colts, already said that that would be the reaction.

But the wingnuts still don't get their own hypocrisy.  When the Dixie Chicks had the temerity to say something bad about the Preznit, consumer reaction was swift and severe, fueled as it was by corporate interest in profit.  Controversy makes money, apparently, and loses it for some.  But many of these same wingnuts are now going absolutely ballistic that Rush wasn't 'given' his due.  Free market, Mofos.  His 'partners' were convinced he wouldn't make them money and so they dumped him.  But, to the modern right in Obama's America, he should be given the opportunity to have what he wants, with no regard for market viability or the rules set by the market itself.  Rush's 'partners' should be required to support his bid, regardless of their own interest.  Socialism, wouldn't you say?  Of course it is.  And they support it with not an ounce of recognition for the irony in their caterwauling.  

Rush doesn't deserve jack-shit.  Rush can buy what he's allowed to buy.  The market he sought to purchase into didn't want him, and so he wasn't allowed to buy it.  This isn't a crime against humanity or America.  It is the system working exactly as it should.

Just Too Perfect

I have been waiting for days to finally watch this, and it was better than I imagined.  While the debate has raged for a week over whether or not the 9/12 TeaBagger Cumtogether was 70.000 people or 2 million, this video begs for a more prescient debate:   How many of those protesters were deeply ignorant manipulated fools?  The numbnuts holding a "Joe Wilson for President" sign who doesn't actually support Joe Wilson for President, nor knows anything about him except that the sign carrier supports Wilson's poor impulse control?  Maybe the people outraged over Czargate?  How 'bout the baby dodos doing exactly as a FOX news producer tells them to during this "grass roots" event?  This is the deeply stupid in action.

Republicans, if you have any pretensions of actually serving America, perhaps these idiots shouldn't be your base.  If this was a subtle plan to steer these loud and uninformed masses to the Constitutional party, then I support your efforts.   Please make more.

Tea Baggers Being ... whatever

I Knew It

Many on the Montana right have bent far enough over backwards to kiss their own arses, in desperate attempt to defend Dennis Rehberg from appearing stupid given his 'ride up the rocks'.  No problem; who cares.

Oh wait.  I care.  And I've said exactly why I cared.  I knew, as any who read this did as well, that the real focus of this 'accident' should be Republicant State Senator Barkus.  I also wrote, quite plainly, that he would get a pass for his criminal activity because he's among what most of Montana thinks are the Impo'tent Folk.  It's coming to pass just exactly as most of us thought it would.

Pogie points out exactly how this case will be dealt with.  Broom the justice under the rug.  Judge Curtis has issued a gag-order about the case.  No reporting; no public view; no honesty.  This didn't even come from Barkus's lawyer; that dipstick knew nothing about it.  But I'll bet that Rehberg's lawyer knew about it.  Anybody in authority want to check a phone record or two?  This is about covering Barkus's ass, nothing more and nothing less.  Rehberg's Mini-Me laid the ground work with his strong defense knowing full well that they all would be obligated to defending Barkus such that Denny wouldn't look more like the tool he is.  And thanks to Curtis, that's exactly what they are going to get.

Here's what we get, kids.  No information relevant to the case.  No justice.  None.  We shouldn't expect any different.  We had a Governor who materially affected an investigation by doing laundry for a suspect in a felony.  There were no repercussions, not one.  There will be none here, either.  Regardless of whose lives you damage, this is Montana, and IOKIYAAR Senator.

TAKEDOWN!

Matthew Vadum makes an ass of himself.   This belongs in the Takedown Hall Of Fame:

The administration’s plans were outlined in an Aug. 11 White House-sponsored teleconference call run by Obama ally Lennox Yearwood, president of the Hip Hop Caucus. Yearwood, who uses the honorific “Reverend” before his name, has been in the news in recent years, usually for getting arrested.

Vadum prefers to mention the Hip Hop Caucus connection for Reverend Yearwood, rather than his position as the National Director of the Gulf Coast Renewal Campaign because, of course, “Hip Hop” has more scary blackness to it. Another loathsome swipe at Yearwood is to say that “he uses the honorific ‘Reverend’ before his name,” which makes him sound like some Internet graduate of “His Holy Hallelujah African-American Temple of Light Church Preacher’s School,” rather than as someone who earned the right to use the honorific after graduating with a Master of Divinity from Howard University. Oh, and did Matthew mention that Yearwood is an Iraq war veteran? Not so much.

Hammond Go Bye-Bye

Andy Hammond is "going dark", as if he could get even more dim.  And see that's the very problem.  One might think I would be elated to have Andy go silent ... and one couldn't more completely miss the point.  Hammond has clung so tightly to wingnut lunacy that there has been no better source of local comedy since the plagiarists or the astroturfing Dirty Light Bulb boys.  *What the hell am I supposed to do for material?!?*

I'd say farewell and give him a goodbye link, but no.  He was fun to poke with a stick, but not that much fun.  Okay, fine.  I guess I'll have to be content with reading the intelligent rightwing websites.  ~sigh~

I should point out that Andy is a walking statistic.  In the blogging game, 3 years and you're done.  If you do it much longer than that, you got somethin' ... prolly somethin' icky ... but somethin' nonetheless.

Stayin' Classy

Some of the protesters railing against the debt, taxes, health care reform or whatever the anti-Obama cause of the day is, those folk are really just good people who disagree with the 'liberal agenda'.  Then again, some of them aren't.  In fact, there's some out that are beyond loathsome.  Any who wish to deny that had best start paying attention.

Roll the tape.