A Chicken Is Not Pillage

Perhaps It Could Fuel Spaceships

I just got around to reading the Friday Comical and saw both the letter from confirmed wingnut Mike Comstock and the editorial from Allana Brown.  My first thought was "matter-anti-matter".  Such class of ideals in confined space could be worse than the Large Hadron Collider, for rending the fabric of space-time.  (The Comical doesn't post their Letters to Ed or editorials online any more.  Link goes to a former post of mine about Comstock.)

This Is How The Zompocalypse Begins

I especially love the cameo by 'Michelle Malkin' ...

Deep Thought

Mark T, having discussed his loathing for "-isms" like feminism, certainly appears to adore liberal purism.

A Brief Missive To Our More Rightward Brethren

The esteemed John Cole:

It has now been about 36 hours since the most definitive victory for conservatism ever, yet according to my sources, Obama is still President, the Senate still has 60 Democrats, and the House gained a Democrat.

I guess you have to live in the beltway or work for a cable network to truly understand election results.

A minor correction.  The clown circus Senate has only 57 Democrats, and Max Baucus.  This is something I think we shall have to remedy.

Conservative Horror Films?

Sadly No! is like the good friend who makes you laugh, but when you help them move, they leave the heavy lifting to you.  So it is here.  They present the visage of John Hawkins, hawking movies for Halloween that are, in his opinion, conservative approved!  Unfortunately, Tintin gets distracted by pizza, and really, don't we all?  In his haste to describe conservative pie, Tintin neglects the challenge presented.  I can do no such thing.

There isn't a person who knows me, or has read this website for long many years, who doesn't know that I love horror movies.  I can appreciate the nuance and accept the gore.  These film extravaganzas are not terribly deep, never have been.  It is easy to see social or political relevance in some them, but that's nothing more than a gaming overlay, amusement for discussion and contemplation.  The search for social relevance in the genre is a personal quest to understand the director or the story teller in terms of one's own mythology, and has fuck-all to do with what the horror movie is all about.  Horror movies are about chilling you, the viewer, getting your adrenaline up.  In the best case, social conflict enhances that; in the worst it assumes that social conflict as scary and exploits it  for no thrills whatsoever.  Angst is personal, and varies subject to subject.  Good horror film makers understand that.  Bad ones, and John Hawkins, do not.

With that in mind, I offer my critiques of Hawkins Top Ten Conservative horror movies, and elucidate the shallow alternative descriptions he meant to write.

Cloverfield:

It is one of the good 'Giant Monster' movies, but face it, it doesn't hold a candle to the original Godzilla.  Hawkins gives credit to the creepiness of the filming, stolen directly from the Blair Witch Project.  The characters are fundamentally decent, if you ignore the backstabbing love liaisons.  Hawkins relies on the common trope of "ordinary people" to project a glimmer of conservatism.  How ordinary is a person going to be if a giant monster attacks their town?  Just because conservatives think it would be so, therefore it is, in the mind of Hawkins.  Being ordinary does not make one conservative, and acting a the viewer expects most often gets you killed in horror movies.  Oh, wait, it does here too.  The conservative trope that really gives Hawkins a stiffy is the brave military response, futile as it is.  Every giant monster movie ever made has the same thing, and in most, the military is victorious.  Think Them or Tarantula.  

Realistic Hawkins review:  Oh shit, that lib haven New York sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe.

The Dead Zone

Seriously?  How is this conservative?  Christopher Walkin plays a deranged mentalist, gifted with a power he didn't want, and slowly slipping into madness due to his visions that a President would cause Armageddon.  He commits suicide by cop trying to stop the holocaust, and exposes the 'bad guy' for a coward.  Hawkins' view of this movie is of a patriot, a movie filmed when Ronald Reagan was joking about nuking Russia, written by a man who thought Reagan was a monster.  Do I really need to clarify more how screwed up Hawkins' evaluation is here?  Well sure I do.

The Dead Zone is not a horror movie.  It's a thriller, like a spy movie, with a supernatural element.

The only real reason that anyone would or could concede that this movie is a 'patriotic' celebration of conservatism is that we have a Darkie in the White House that conservatives don't like, and someone, anyone, must stop him at all cost.  Glenn Beck probably thinks of this movie as porn, because he doesn't understand it.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Would somebody please try and kill that Kenyon?

The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I can't even treat this film seriously.  It was God awful.  It was boring.  It was derivative of another film on this list, and it just sucked like a Hoover plugged to a 220 outlet.

Realistic Hawkins review:  They didn't declare war on Christmas so that's a plus ...

The Exorcist

I still find this to be one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.  It also has the best soundtrack of any horror film ever.  That's saying something coming from a huge fan of John Carpenter.  But let's be real.  This movie holds terror only for those steeped in Christian dogma, and nominally aware of Catholic faith.  I do find it contradictory that Hawkins celebrates this film as 'conservative' when it stands as an affront to evangelicals.  Also, self sacrifice is not a hallmark of conservatism, unless it's a priest, apparently.  Here's the dealio.  In this movie, the power of Jesus couldn't control the demonic entity.  Only human sacrifice could.  What would that message be, again?  And of course, Hollywood never treats the members of the clergy with respect, unless they do.  (Hawkins is amazing in that he contradicts himself in the same review.)

Realistic Hawkins review:  Dude, the underage chick does that thing with the cross.  Crap, where's my lotion?

The Fog

Don't get me wrong, I love this film.  But it is not 'conservative'.  The pirates kill anyone who gets in their way, regardless of party affiliation.  It doesn't matter if the town gets its comeuppance; they screwed with pirates, for Christ's sake.  In Hawkins' world, Pirates=Good, Descendants of Townfolk=Bad.  We all like Pirates, of course, but come the fuck right on.  Aren't conservatives the same bunch of assholes screaming, 'well I didn't kill Injuns or enslave people, so I'm not to blame'.  The point of the movie is:  YES, you really are.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Oh shit, that lib haven in California sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe

The Mist

Seriously, this is my favorite horror film of the last ten years.  Now, Hawkins describes it thusly:

A sinister story about a deadly government experiment and how quickly human beings can become primitive again when they're isolated, alone, and in danger.

Did he even watch the damned movie?  The primitive he's describing is Christian fundamentalism.  Anyone who's ever read a Chick Tract knows the danger of Christian Talibangelicals under stress.  The antagonist of the film is a female James Dobson on crack.  How is this even remotely conservative?  This movie is anti-out-of-control military, pro-humanist and extremely anti-fundamental religion.

Realistic Hawkins review:  They'd have been safe if they'd given up to God.  And Gubmint sucks; lack of Gubmint will turn you into a killer, so the Gubmint sucks.

Quarantine

I admit, I like this film.  The same film techniques as Blair Witch and Cloverfield were used here, to great effect.  Hawkins reads this as some kind of anti-Gubmint screed, and suggests that you don't get trapped in a building with the Gubmint outside and zombies you didn't even know about inside.  Socialist cops and firefighters try to do their jobs and the Gubmint betrays them.  They should have done their own conservative thing ... BY NOT RESPONDING TO THE CALL?  This review, more than any other, convinces me that Hawkins is a fucking moron.

Realistic Hawkins review:  At least the hot MSM journalist gets munched ... And the gubmint wants to protect you from rabies.  They should have just wizarded up a cure out of their socialist asses.  HOW DARE THEY PROTECT THE PUBLIC! (Quarantines are fascist, man.)

The Reanimator

This movie is conservative ... to the psychotic.  Yes, there is a message about playing God, and it's not a nice one.  That was Lovecraft's intent when he wrote the damned thing.  The message?  Don't experiment to save lives because it might save Grandma.  Let her die.

Realistic Hawkins review:  Dude, chick gets tongue raped by a corpse.  Where's my lotion ...

The Silence Of The Lambs

NOT A HORROR MOVIE!  It's a thriller, and a very good one.  But, contrary to Hawkins' earlier points, it shows quite clearly that the Gubmint is looking out for you and hiring the best and the brightest.  Notice, Hawkins doesn't say how this movie was 'conservative'.  He was just trying to fill his list, and ran home to momma as it were.  Ohhh, let's feed 'em a cop movie; they'll like that.   I call total bullshit on this.  What this movie really says is that horror is out there.  Sometimes Gubmint can helps, sometimes it can't.

Realistic Hawkins review:  That scene where the dude who plays Captain Stotlemayer puts his dick tween his legs?  Yeah, I've done that.

And,  The Tripper

I couldn't even make it half way through this suckfest.  Even by slasher movie standards, this is not a good film.  But I do notice that it's the only film that Hawkins even weakly linked to.  Perhaps he's terrified of IMDB.  Hawkins' review is remarkably telling, however:

In a couple of spots near the end of the movie, it does manage to grate conservative sensibilities. However, that mild annoyance does not to detract from the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie.

Hawkins only wants to see his Straw Man of liberals die horribly.  There's really nothing else to qualify this as a "conservative film".

Realistic Hawkins review:  Libruls DIE DIE DIE!  Someone else please, because I'm too chickenshit ... and I still can't find my lotion.  MOM....

Perhaps I will post the best liberal horror movies for Halloween.  I doubt it, though.  The spirit of the holiday is fear, and that knows no ideology.

I'll Take That Bet

Sadly No! offers the truly funny.

Boycott Is GO!

Though I must confess, I thought this would take  slightly longer.

It seems some of the Dittoheads are so incensed at the shabby treatment that Rush's erstwhile partners gave him that they're going to take it out on the NFL, it's product suppliers and advertisers with ... A BOYCOTT!  The NFL is doomed.  America will notice when it's overwhelmingly favorite professional sport dwindles to nothing.  Liberals will rue the day.  Imminent rueage ...

Okay, no one is taking this seriously, except for Glen Reynolds of course.  It doesn't take a strong mind to realize that this effort is futile to the point of humorously pathetic.  Last I checked the Facebook site dedicated to this effort had about 90 whole fans.  That's gonna leave a mark.  But you do have to admire the pluck of these economic warriors. 

Wait, no you don't.  Read the post because the comments are priceless.  Some of my faves presented here:

Watch for Obama to take over the NFL next. No, not a joke.

Rush said so!  Watch for it!  These people really do think that everything spewing from that man's gob is some form of gospel.

so what does the nfl think of the 25 million americans who listen to limbaugh?

That many will keep watching and you won't have any effect?  Yeah, that about sums it up.  Entertainment is entertainment.  One form does not preclude the other.  Also, trendwise, NFL viewership is still growing while Rush's is shrinking.

Finally, comment that makes great sense:

Whenever I hear about someone boycotting something, I always ask the question of how far are they willing to take it? Most people don't seem to realize just how interconnected our society is. An example of this is illustrated by playing the degrees of separation game.

So let's do this with Mr. Limbaugh and his radio program. Rush works for Premiere Radio Networks. Premiere Radio Networks also employs Bob Costas and Jim Rome. Both of these sports radio personalities have relationships with the NFL and NFL teams. They both get guests for their radio shows representing the NFL (either coaches, players, or management). This means that Premiere Radio Networks is able to sell advertising based on the content of these programs, especially during Super Bowl week. This equates to revenue and profit.

If Rush's listeners really want to boycott the NFL and their corporate sponsors, then they will have to quit listening to Rush's radio show. Rush will also need to resign from his job because he would be working for a company that supports the NFL.

How's that free market working for you Dittoheads?

Maybe Rush could just form his own NFL team.

Ultimately speaking, this comment points to the true stupidity of Rushbo's butt kissers.  They don't understand what happened or even how the NFL works.  It is a private entity.  75% of owners must agree to accept a new owner into the league.  Rush could form his own team with his own money.  He could call them the Lily White Oxycontins, for all anyone cares.  But they won't play in the NFL.

If we could get the fans in the stadium to stay home for a few games, now that would send a message. No food or beverage or hats or shirt income. Just think empty stadiums, that would send a big message for the TV audience!!!

Doesn't that sound like Saint Louis already?

I'd like to go along 100%, but we need to make an exception for the one team that is the acme of all that is right, good, and true in this world, the Miami Dolphins.

This cracks me up.  BOYCOTT ... except my team.

How is not watching going to be meaningful. Who knows if you watch? I could write on here that I quit watching and what does that accomplish? How many are "really" going to quit buying products that they use every day.

When these asshats go after Miller Lite, I'll think they're serious, and laugh even harder.

What a shame. Rush always wanted to be a minority owner.

Clever.

When there was public outrage over the Dixie Chicks, it was media fostered and had impact  When folks rebelled because Glenn Dumbass Beck called Obama a racist the effect was very real to his advertisers.  I'm not certain that there's a diminuative small enough to describe this tempest in a teapot.  This might have weight if FOX were to through their support behind it, but seriously, who carries the contract for the NFC?  That's right, FOX.  They will sell conservatives down the river for cash, without even thinking about it.  This movement goes nowhere ... but Glen Reynolds gave it a thumbs up.

In truth, I think this whole thing was a Rush manufactured stunt.  His ratings are flagging, he's losing control of the Republican party due to media scrutiny, and his awful BS is coming back to haunt him with his own advertisers.  Remember that comment that pointed out his 25 million listeners?  He's trying to keep them.   Enabling their hate is certainly one way to do it.  They represent 7% of the American population.  For a boycott of the NFL to succeed, they have to get 7% to convince the rest of us that the NFL is evil.  For his goal to succeed, he merely needs to keep his 7% happy.  Jabba the Rush is an awful bloated drug abusing sex tourist, but he's not stupid.  When he saw an opportunity for controversy, he chased it, and this is the result:  keeping the stupid, stupid.

Senate Finance Commitee, the Game!

Found via Zaius Nation

A Heritage Ruined

In shear defiance of those gits who think all political discourse must be high-brow and deathly serious, I present Gawker presenting:

Americana That Barack Obama Has Made Un-American.

TSN Really Needs To Get A Grip

I've met Bob Adney.  He really is very committed  (to what, I have no idea).  But, on the heels of his compatriot lying his ass off, Bob is now taking Congress to task for being Congress.

I was reading an article on Fox News this morning that got my blood boiling.

That's kind of FOX's job.  That you don't get that, Bob, does not speak well of you.

It was about Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson, entitled Democratic Lawmaker Likens Health Care Crisis to a ‘Holocaust.‘  Rep. Grayson also said, “Republicans want Americans to “die quickly” if they get sick.”

Yep.  That's what he said.

To further complicate the matter Rep. Grayson has said that he will not apologize for what he said, “Because I said the truth.”

See, this is Bob's problem.  He's not once clarified what Grayson said that was offensive, and should be apologized for.  44,000+ Americans die every year due to lack of health care coverage, and Grayson made that very clear.  A preventable sum of deaths, that we take no action to prevent, is indeed a holocaust.    The Republicans, in charge of Government for 6 years, took no action.    One can only assume that they want this needless death to continue.  Do you have a better argument, Bob?  No?  Didn't think so.

Republicans are calling for him to be punished and a “resolution of disapproval” passed.  This is what was done against Congressman Joe Wilson for his infamous “you lie” comment.

Grayson didn't lie.  Wilson did.

Democrats are saying, that Grayson doesn’t need to be condemned and according to an email from Pelosi, “Members of Congress should focus on the issue at hand: ensuring quality, affordable and accessible health insurance for all Americans.”

Shouldn't they?  Isn't that what Republicans have been calling for, with their lack of any plan even?

This is EXACTLY the kind of crap that makes our Congress such a complete and utter failure.

I'm sorry.  I don't remember your post condemning Republicans for wasting time with condemnation of Joe Wilson.  What's that?  You thought that worth ignoring?  Of course you did.  Congress is only wasting time when you will lose the argument.

Instead of actually working on issues such as, helping taxpayers, cutting burdensome regulations, and restoring personal liberties Congress is arguing like little kids on an elementary school playground.

See the above, Adney.

Honestly, can you imagine if this happening at your place of business?

How old are you?  Who do you work for?  To me, you seem a puppy.  Let's be truthful.  In most places of business, such time wasting is almost casual.  It is expected as part of the power games.  Wasteful?  No shit, Sherlock.  But you pretend that it doesn't happen as if you have any clue.

Democrats and Republicans sit in DC and find little things to blow out of proportion in a pathetic attempt to score a few political points.  This is not a Republican or Democrat problem; it’s a Washington DC problem.

Yes, yes it is, Bob.   It's both their damned problems.  Your argument is little more than sedition.  'We should eradicate DC'.  Can you be more full of shit?  Do you have a better suggestion for governance?  Come forth with it if you do.  But be careful.  The Constitution might find you ... something of a traitor.  You want the parties to agree?  Come up with something they agree on.  You won't do that. i know.  After all, you still think that the Republicans have a health care plan beyond "don't get sick and die quickly if you do."

Every day that goes by I lose more and more of what little confidence and respect I had for the politicians in Washington.

Adney, rephrased:

Every day that goes by I lose more and more  of what little confidence and respect I had for the Constitution.  You don't like the people, vote them out.  What's that?  You can't vote for or against those you can't vote for but others can?  You hate the fact that Democracy doesn't serve your whims?  Tough shit, kitten.  People in New York and Massachusetts vote for people you don't like.  But you're not arguing against the people, Bob.  You're arguing against the institution.  Traitorous words, my friend.