The Story Of Socialism (As Told To The Tea Party)

Socialism was born in San Francisco, California.  Noam Chompski wanted a child but his immoral affair with Bill Ayers wouldn't give him one.  So, he prayed to the Devil and the Devil sent him Nancy Pelosi as a dominatrix love witch.  Socialism came into the world, and suckled at Nurse Freedom until she got sore.  Noam tried to teach Socialism about words and stuff, but socialism only cried (and don't we all?)  Since Nancy was too busy trying to steal Congress from the Murkin people,  poor Noam had no choice but to adopt baby Socialism out to a kindly German couple, Mr. Marx and Ms. Engles.

The Marx's tried to raise Socialism right, in the fundamental Communist religion.  But Socialism rebeled, like many teens do.  He got blamed for theft and murder, but really it was friends.  See, Socialism had fallen in with a bad crowd.  His friends went to Socialism and fought over who was the bestest of the Friends, but Socialism wouldn't choose.  So Hitler stole Socialism's credit card and bought German companies and tanks and stuff, and used it to kill Jews.  Stalin was mad because he didn't think of it first.  So Hitler and Stalin got in a big spat when they both tried to steal Poland to win Socialism's friendship.  But neither of them understood Socialism at all, so he became emo and a cutter.

America was unhappy because Freedom had sore titties and a real big crush on England.  We had to defend Freedom's honor so we went to Yurp and kicked Hitler's ass singlehandedly.  Patton wanted Freedom to sleep with Stalin, but he just wasn't that into her.  So we held a grudge a long time, until Raygun got Freedom a date with Russia.  Then it was good.  America never forgave Socialism, because America blamed Socialism for playing with matches and setting Yurp on fire.

Socialism was real depressed, so he became a slut.  He slept with like all of Yurp, giving them such nasty infections like universal health care and all, hehehe.  (I'd a slept with Sweden too, just so's ya know.)   But Socialism learned some stuff, and that made him a real dangerous sort.  He learned that folks just like a public highway system.  He learned that folks appreciate low poverty levels and public educational systems.  Mostly, he learned that Freedom is weak, and could be overpowered by taxation and the like.  In Murika, Freedom still wanted to protect Socialism, however, so we kinda had to kill her.  We didn't want her to have sore tits again, ya know.  We felt all bad about that, so we had to start naming things like fried potatos after her, and blame it all on a bunch of people who live in sand.  Crazy, huh?  Yeah, I know, how come they don't worship Freedom the way we did, before we killed her?  Silly sand people.  So we sent them some Freedom bombs and Freedom bullets.  That'll learn 'em.   Of course that cost a lot of money, but the Chinese made a stand for the memory of Freedom against Socialism and gave us lots of cash at reasonable interest rates.  God bless those Chinese and their Freedom loving ways.

But, we ain't killed Socialism, and he's lurking out there, trying to steal our country.  He recruited a Kenyon to work against us for him.  That African, and you know what I mean by that (Black Panthers, wink wink) actually forced Health Care reform down our throats ... LITERALLY!  He wants to raise taxes, and that's spitting on Freedom's grave!  I mean, look at this!

 

Freedom would want us to honor her memory by defeating Socialism.  Freedom would want us to punch him in the mouth by not raising taxes.   We don't want to reduce the deficit by raising taxes on the rich.  They're what makes Murika free to serve them!  Raising taxes makes the dead body of Freedom cry, because Socialism wins!

 

 

Don't let Socialism sleep with Murika against her will, brave patriots.  Let Murika go deeper in debt, ever deeper.  We'll defeat Socialism yet.

Comments

[Craig Moore]

Perhaps its time to call your brother and go to the mountains for some fishing and spiritual refreshment.

Next month I plan to do the same, + hunting, with my brother.

All this other stuff sorta drains the battery.

[Wulfgar]

It's one of the saddest things to me that my brother is actually accepting the Tea Party narrative. They hold that the deficit is a horror, but letting the Bush/Republicant tax cuts expire on the wealthiest 3% would be worse than actually making a dent in the deficit. Revenue matters, but not to the Tea Party.

Yes, this stuff "drains the battery", but not nearly as much as watching fools rush in.

[Craig Moore]

Neither your POV or his ultimately matters. It's only 2 votes! Put the shit aside and concentrate on what matters, like renewing family bonds and spiritual refreshment. You two fished the Bitterroots together. Touch that again.

[Montana Cowgirl]

A Tea Party morality play. Neat. Now, you need only produce a "cliff notes" version of it so people like Tom Burnett who "aren't plot experts" can understand. http://tomburnett.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/great-expectations/

[Moorcat]

Accepting the tea party narrative is a little strong. I do believe that we need to be more fiscally conservative. I also believe that part of that fiscal conservatism is to get rid of the rediculous loopholes passed by recent Congresses for the obsenely wealthy. (BTW, I felt that a 2-4% tax hike for universal health care would have been a far cry better - and far more fiscally responcible - than the insurance company handout that was passed).

I believe that part of what the Tea party is suppose to be about is correct - our government has lost it's way and needs to be more concerned with serving the citizens of the US, not being a jobs program for government employees and slaves to corporate lobbies. Spending our money like there is no tomorrow will ensure that there is no tomorrow.

[Montana Cowgirl]

If only that were what the TEA Party were really about...