I'm posting this up a day early for Halloween, because I generally don't have the time to post *ON* Halloween. Besides, who wants to spend Halloween skulking on the Intertubes. I wanted to do a link post, but feel shamed by the epic past endeavors of certain Batgrl. She would flood the 'tubes with more Halloween goodness in one place than any human could stand. Perhaps that was her plan, to drive us mad with All-Hallows Eve joy. Regardless, I am not her, and can only make a shallow attempt at doing justice to this holiday.
In my neighborhood, there are usually no trick-or-treaters at all. So, when one does show up at the door, my beloved (and most everyone else in the hood) over indulges them with more candy than is sensible. So here is my indulgence; the title says 3; expect more.
First, I don't comment at Metafilter anymore, but I still read it. From there, I encountered one of the best analysis of monster might anywhere. From Threat Quality Press, A Hierarchy of Monsters. Please, do not stop there. The comments to the Metafilter thread are priceless, especially those from robocop is bleeding.
To really look at a hierarchy of threat, we need to start from the
perspective of a potential victim and work our way up from there. As I
can tell you from personal experience, there is little practical
difference in being locked in a closet while the corpse of your dead
wife, animated through dread magics, pounds on the door with cold,
unyielding fists and being lost in a Bavarian forest, running from a
chorus of howls and snarling, fanged mouths.
In the end, the victim's life will end. Whether it ends at the claws of
a werewolf, fangs of a vampire, axe of a drowned kid, or nightmare of a
dreamstalker doesn't matter.
This is quality stuff.
Second, the always clever Dave Merriman sends a link to the must-have insurance of the current century. The other poseurs can move aside. My Zombie Insurance is the product needed for the Zombpocalypse.
Finally, I am not a video gamer. I like games, and have played many. However, a game must have a certain something to appeal to me. Creepiness is high on my list of gaming joys. Doom 3 had it's moments; F.E.A.R. was just shock value lame. Undying remains one of my favorite games of all time. But back in the old dark days of DOS, Phantasmagoria was all that and then some. The video, filmed with live actors, was simply gravy to the creepy music and actual game exploration. It is the videos that brought out the creepy flavor of all the weird stuff you had to do to prepare *not* to get killed in a horrific manner. I know I'm probably johnny-come-lately to this, but the murderous cut-scenes have been posted online, and I-Mockery has compiled them in one handy spot for your horror viewing pleasure. Yes, I know the demon looks stupid in the extreme, but this was revolutionary stuff as regards gaming. And more to point, it was horrific.
Sadly No! is like the good friend who makes you laugh, but when you help them move, they leave the heavy lifting to you. So it is here. They present the visage of John Hawkins, hawking movies for Halloween that are, in his opinion, conservative approved! Unfortunately, Tintin gets distracted by pizza, and really, don't we all? In his haste to describe conservative pie, Tintin neglects the challenge presented. I can do no such thing.
There isn't a person who knows me, or has read this website for long many years, who doesn't know that I love horror movies. I can appreciate the nuance and accept the gore. These film extravaganzas are not terribly deep, never have been. It is easy to see social or political relevance in some them, but that's nothing more than a gaming overlay, amusement for discussion and contemplation. The search for social relevance in the genre is a personal quest to understand the director or the story teller in terms of one's own mythology, and has fuck-all to do with what the horror movie is all about. Horror movies are about chilling you, the viewer, getting your adrenaline up. In the best case, social conflict enhances that; in the worst it assumes that social conflict as scary and exploits it for no thrills whatsoever. Angst is personal, and varies subject to subject. Good horror film makers understand that. Bad ones, and John Hawkins, do not.
It is one of the good 'Giant Monster' movies, but face it, it doesn't hold a candle to the original Godzilla. Hawkins gives credit to the creepiness of the filming, stolen directly from the Blair Witch Project. The characters are fundamentally decent, if you ignore the backstabbing love liaisons. Hawkins relies on the common trope of "ordinary people" to project a glimmer of conservatism. How ordinary is a person going to be if a giant monster attacks their town? Just because conservatives think it would be so, therefore it is, in the mind of Hawkins. Being ordinary does not make one conservative, and acting a the viewer expects most often gets you killed in horror movies. Oh, wait, it does here too. The conservative trope that really gives Hawkins a stiffy is the brave military response, futile as it is. Every giant monster movie ever made has the same thing, and in most, the military is victorious. Think Them or Tarantula.
Realistic Hawkins review: Oh shit, that lib haven New York sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe.
The Dead Zone
Seriously? How is this conservative? Christopher Walkin plays a deranged mentalist, gifted with a power he didn't want, and slowly slipping into madness due to his visions that a President would cause Armageddon. He commits suicide by cop trying to stop the holocaust, and exposes the 'bad guy' for a coward. Hawkins' view of this movie is of a patriot, a movie filmed when Ronald Reagan was joking about nuking Russia, written by a man who thought Reagan was a monster. Do I really need to clarify more how screwed up Hawkins' evaluation is here? Well sure I do.
The Dead Zone is not a horror movie. It's a thriller, like a spy movie, with a supernatural element.
The only real reason that anyone would or could concede that this movie is a 'patriotic' celebration of conservatism is that we have a Darkie in the White House that conservatives don't like, and someone, anyone, must stop him at all cost. Glenn Beck probably thinks of this movie as porn, because he doesn't understand it.
Realistic Hawkins review: Would somebody please try and kill that Kenyon?
The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
I can't even treat this film seriously. It was God awful. It was boring. It was derivative of another film on this list, and it just sucked like a Hoover plugged to a 220 outlet.
Realistic Hawkins review: They didn't declare war on Christmas so that's a plus ...
I still find this to be one of the scariest movies I've ever seen. It also has the best soundtrack of any horror film ever. That's saying something coming from a huge fan of John Carpenter. But let's be real. This movie holds terror only for those steeped in Christian dogma, and nominally aware of Catholic faith. I do find it contradictory that Hawkins celebrates this film as 'conservative' when it stands as an affront to evangelicals. Also, self sacrifice is not a hallmark of conservatism, unless it's a priest, apparently. Here's the dealio. In this movie, the power of Jesus couldn't control the demonic entity. Only human sacrifice could. What would that message be, again? And of course, Hollywood never treats the members of the clergy with respect, unless they do. (Hawkins is amazing in that he contradicts himself in the same review.)
Realistic Hawkins review: Dude, the underage chick does that thing with the cross. Crap, where's my lotion?
Don't get me wrong, I love this film. But it is not 'conservative'. The pirates kill anyone who gets in their way, regardless of party affiliation. It doesn't matter if the town gets its comeuppance; they screwed with pirates, for Christ's sake. In Hawkins' world, Pirates=Good, Descendants of Townfolk=Bad. We all like Pirates, of course, but come the fuck right on. Aren't conservatives the same bunch of assholes screaming, 'well I didn't kill Injuns or enslave people, so I'm not to blame'. The point of the movie is: YES, you really are.
Realistic Hawkins review: Oh shit, that lib haven in California sure got it's ass kicked, hehe hehe
Seriously, this is my favorite horror film of the last ten years. Now, Hawkins describes it thusly:
A sinister story about a deadly government experiment and how quickly
human beings can become primitive again when they're isolated, alone,
and in danger.
Did he even watch the damned movie? The primitive he's describing is Christian fundamentalism. Anyone who's ever read a Chick Tract knows the danger of Christian Talibangelicals under stress. The antagonist of the film is a female James Dobson on crack. How is this even remotely conservative? This movie is anti-out-of-control military, pro-humanist and extremely anti-fundamental religion.
Realistic Hawkins review: They'd have been safe if they'd given up to God. And Gubmint sucks; lack of Gubmint will turn you into a killer, so the Gubmint sucks.
I admit, I like this film. The same film techniques as Blair Witch and Cloverfield were used here, to great effect. Hawkins reads this as some kind of anti-Gubmint screed, and suggests that you don't get trapped in a building with the Gubmint outside and zombies you didn't even know about inside. Socialist cops and firefighters try to do their jobs and the Gubmint betrays them. They should have done their own conservative thing ... BY NOT RESPONDING TO THE CALL? This review, more than any other, convinces me that Hawkins is a fucking moron.
Realistic Hawkins review: At least the hot MSM journalist gets munched ... And the gubmint wants to protect you from rabies. They should have just wizarded up a cure out of their socialist asses. HOW DARE THEY PROTECT THE PUBLIC! (Quarantines are fascist, man.)
This movie is conservative ... to the psychotic. Yes, there is a message about playing God, and it's not a nice one. That was Lovecraft's intent when he wrote the damned thing. The message? Don't experiment to save lives because it might save Grandma. Let her die.
Realistic Hawkins review: Dude, chick gets tongue raped by a corpse. Where's my lotion ...
The Silence Of The Lambs
NOT A HORROR MOVIE! It's a thriller, and a very good one. But, contrary to Hawkins' earlier points, it shows quite clearly that the Gubmint is looking out for you and hiring the best and the brightest. Notice, Hawkins doesn't say how this movie was 'conservative'. He was just trying to fill his list, and ran home to momma as it were. Ohhh, let's feed 'em a cop movie; they'll like that. I call total bullshit on this. What this movie really says is that horror is out there. Sometimes Gubmint can helps, sometimes it can't.
Realistic Hawkins review: That scene where the dude who plays Captain Stotlemayer puts his dick tween his legs? Yeah, I've done that.
And, The Tripper
I couldn't even make it half way through this suckfest. Even by slasher movie standards, this is not a good film. But I do notice that it's the only film that Hawkins even weakly linked to. Perhaps he's terrified of IMDB. Hawkins' review is remarkably telling, however:
In a couple of spots near the end of the movie, it does manage to grate
conservative sensibilities. However, that mild annoyance does not to
detract from the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan
mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie.
Hawkins only wants to see his Straw Man of liberals die horribly. There's really nothing else to qualify this as a "conservative film".
Realistic Hawkins review: Libruls DIE DIE DIE! Someone else please, because I'm too chickenshit ... and I still can't find my lotion. MOM....
Perhaps I will post the best liberal horror movies for Halloween. I doubt it, though. The spirit of the holiday is fear, and that knows no ideology.
This is a football post, so you know the drill. I'm obsessed with the game right now.
When I wrote the post Woe, Part 1, I simply became too disheartened to write the followup. The pre-season was just beginning, and the Broncos looked every bit as horrible as I thought they would. Besides, I knew that anyone who followed the game would know the score:
Marshall probably gone.
Puppy coach with delusions of grandeur.
Old defensive secondary.
The mad Mike Nolan changing the defense from 4-3 to 3-4. He had to be insane.
Moreno holding out, and who names their kid Knowshawn anyway?
Orton? Kyle fricking Orton?
Yes, my friends, that was some serious woe. I couldn't even bring myself to make my divisional predictions. 7 weeks ago it seemed so very simple; Patriots, Steelers, Titans, Chargers, Giants, Bears, Falcons, Seahawks.
But a few funny things happened on the way to the Forum. The Jets found a good rookie, and a good inside helper in the coach of the Browns. Miami woke up and learned to run. The Ravens found an offense, and Carson Palmer sent a reminder that this was his party. Payton Manning 'won't be ignored, Dan', and the Colt's are boiling bunnies all the way to the Super Bowl. The Titans? WTF? The Giants still look like a lock for the NFC East, but New Orleans owns them and the NFC. Some government scientist, forcibly defected from the Eastern Bloc, cloned the Saints a defense. The Bears are okay, but Cutler likes getting his receptions regardless of the jersey color worn by those who catch his passes. The Minnesota Brett Favres are the team to beat in the North. The Falcons are on track, but they'll have to cope in the shadow of that New Orleans juggernaut. No one, and I mean no one, seems to want to own the NFC West. Singletary has the 'Niners looking half respectable, Arizona is schizoid, as always, and Seattle doesn't know who they are. "We're good, we're not, we're good, we're not." The only thing they all know is that they can beat the Rams.
Which brings us to the AFC West. My disrespect for Norv Turner has few boundaries and knows little reason. But I have to and do respect the talent of that San Diego team. I, like everyone else, expected them to easily roll into the West title and beyond. It is always good to keep in mind that talented players do not always make a talented team, and talent can be overstated. Shawne Merriman is one of the best linebackers ever to play ... talent wise. But he's not getting any support and equally talented offensive linemen are making him look more silly than that stupid mohawk he finally shaved off. I will speak no ill of Gates or Thomlinson. Sproles is perhaps the most over-rated and poorly utilized weapon in the Charger's arsenal. He is over-rated because the coaching expects him to be LT, only faster. He's not LT, not by a long shot. And speed doesn't always kill, when smarts and instinct are involved. And I'm simply going to have to drive across country to open-hand smack the next moron who compares Phillip Rivers to Payton Manning. Rivers dreams of being Manning, but then he has to change his soiled sheets. He's good, but he ain't that good.
The Raiders actually looked pretty good going into the season, and then Jamarcus Russell's brain was rotted by the zombie stink coming off Al Davis. All he could remember was his bloated contract, win or lose. Other than perhaps the Titans, no team this year has looked as absolutely dreadful as the Raiders. I expected much better from them. Still, they've won two games. And I'm sure that leaves them thinking they are as good as the 2-3 Chargers. They aren't even close, but thinking of what they need is all they have left. "Brains ... BRAINS ..."
I knew the Chiefs would suck, so no surprise there. I look forward to their continuing improvement, which I am certain will happen. At this rate, I haven't a doubt that they will be good enough for playoff contention right about the time the Mayan calender ends bringing Armageddon with it. (In case you're wondering, that's 3 seasons from now.)
My Broncos. You can ask pretty much anyone who knows me and you will find that my prediction was for the Broncos to go 4-12. I even knew which games they would win. I knew they would beat the Chiefs, both times, they would beat the Raiders at Invesco and they would beat the Bengals. How was I supposed to know that Carson Palmer was going to put on his big-boy pants? I thought they might win one more game at home, due to the Mile-High Gremlins. 6-0 was beyond my wildest dreams. They've beaten the Brownies, the Raiders in Oakland, the Cowboys, the Patriots and the Chargers ... at Qualcomm. This is not the team I saw in pre-season. This team is, dare I say it, really good.
The 3-4 defense is a terrific fit, giving Dumervil the chance to use his athletic ability. Dawkins brought a smackdown safety back into the Denver system, which was sorely needed. He's kind of an Atwater, with smarts. Teams are scared enough of Dawkins that they throw at Champ Bailey. If you're laughing right now, you should be. Orton has proven to be a great game manager, a field general if you will. That role often invites derision but most of the great quarterbacks of all time are known for skill in that area; Montana, Aikman, Simms just to name a few. When I watch Orton the one word that screams forth is "efficient". That wins games. Moreno and Buckhalter are character actors in a brutally efficient running show. Marshall has discovered that being a Prima Donna is no substitute for winning. Eddie Royal has discovered that speed kills, when combined with the right protection and plan.
Most importantly, this is one solid *team*. They have bought into the system offered by coaches Nolan and McDaniels. I almost feel that I owe McDaniels an apology. He brought winning back to Denver, and win they will. And Nolan, mad as he is, is a genius. These Broncos will win the AFC West, and they will do it handily. I have no doubt of that, not anymore. The Broncos still have the toughest schedule in the NFL facing them, with the Ravens, Steelers, Giants, Colts and another showdown with the Chargers. But they can win, and often will.
So, 6 weeks in, heres how I see the NFL:
Cowboys (may improve)
St. Theressa's Woman's rugby club
Minnesota Brett Favres
Lion Cubs (3-13)
Holy Anointed Saintly Ones (15-1)
Is there anybody left in the South? Panthers?
Seahawks/Cardinals/'Niners (really who cares, they're out first round anyway.)
Rams, 2 wins
Terrell Owen's Ego
Lake Effect Snow
Lake Eerie sludge
Cornell Women's Squash Team
Coyahoga Height's public flag football
Some Pro team in Buffalo
Steelers (will make playoffs)
Eric Mangini (will attend the playoffs having helped the Jets get there by trading away any chance of a Browns winning season.)
Colts (all the way to the show)
Mojo-Drew's left shoe
Mojo-Drew's right show
The shreds of Jeff Fisher's stellar career
Titans of a very very small world
BRONCOS! (likely 11-5 but I hope for better)
Uncharged (miss the playoffs by THAT much)
Raiders will not finish the season because zombies will have taken over Oakland, with Al Davis being seen as 'subject zero'.
I have, precisely speaking, no clout with the MSU coaching staff. Less than none, even. But I do have to weigh in on this regardless.
Cody Kempt should start at quarterback for the Bobcats for the rest of the season. This is not a quarterback controversy. This is wisdom.
I freely admit that Iddens is probably a more accurate passer for the routes the Bobcats have displayed so far this year. He has undoubtedly worked more with the first squad receivers. Coach Ash has lauded his leadership and grasp of the system.
All well and good, but not good enough. We saw something special out of Kempt on Saturday. Like Iddens, he still gets spooked by pressure in the pocket; but unlike Iddens, he doesn't lose control of the game. Iddens has a tendency to cover and protect. That's good for ball control, if you don't mind losing yardage. Kempt would move and try to make plays. He's jumpy, but not jumpy enough to make mistakes. That told his offense a different story of leadership, and it seemed, as a fan, that they were buying into the idea that he could get the game won.
As for accuracy and pass control, when Kempt missed (which was somewhat frequent) he missed to the safe sides. Iddens often tries to force the ball where it doesn't belong, hence the INT numbers. Kempt appears more willing to pass on the run, while Iddens want to set and throw.
Keep in mind that both quarterbacks still have to rely on a defense that for whatever reason lets down in the second half against the pass. Building a decent lead goes a long way to mitigating that. Kempt can and has done that. Iddens, not so much.
I don't believe that Kempt is some magic bullet for the rest of the year, but he seems the clear choice to lead the team against such foes as EWU and Montana. This not controversial. Kempt should be the Bobcat quarterback.
Though I must confess, I thought this would take slightly longer.
It seems some of the Dittoheads are so incensed at the shabby treatment that Rush's erstwhile partners gave him that they're going to take it out on the NFL, it's product suppliers and advertisers with ... A BOYCOTT! The NFL is doomed. America will notice when it's overwhelmingly favorite professional sport dwindles to nothing. Liberals will rue the day. Imminent rueage ...
Okay, no one is taking this seriously, except for Glen Reynolds of course. It doesn't take a strong mind to realize that this effort is futile to the point of humorously pathetic. Last I checked the Facebook site dedicated to this effort had about 90 whole fans. That's gonna leave a mark. But you do have to admire the pluck of these economic warriors.
Wait, no you don't. Read the post because the comments are priceless. Some of my faves presented here:
Watch for Obama to take over the NFL next. No, not a joke.
Rush said so! Watch for it! These people really do think that everything spewing from that man's gob is some form of gospel.
That many will keep watching and you won't have any effect? Yeah, that about sums it up. Entertainment is entertainment. One form does not preclude the other. Also, trendwise, NFL viewership is still growing while Rush's is shrinking.
Finally, comment that makes great sense:
Whenever I hear
about someone boycotting something, I always ask the question of how
far are they willing to take it? Most people don't seem to realize just
how interconnected our society is. An example of this is illustrated by
playing the degrees of separation game.
So let's do this with
Mr. Limbaugh and his radio program. Rush works for Premiere Radio
Networks. Premiere Radio Networks also employs Bob Costas and Jim Rome.
Both of these sports radio personalities have relationships with the
NFL and NFL teams. They both get guests for their radio shows
representing the NFL (either coaches, players, or management). This
means that Premiere Radio Networks is able to sell advertising based on
the content of these programs, especially during Super Bowl week. This
equates to revenue and profit.
If Rush's listeners really want
to boycott the NFL and their corporate sponsors, then they will have to
quit listening to Rush's radio show. Rush will also need to resign from
his job because he would be working for a company that supports the NFL.
How's that free market working for you Dittoheads?
Ultimately speaking, this comment points to the true stupidity of Rushbo's butt kissers. They don't understand what happened or even how the NFL works. It is a private entity. 75% of owners must agree to accept a new owner into the league. Rush could form his own team with his own money. He could call them the Lily White Oxycontins, for all anyone cares. But they won't play in the NFL.
If we could get
the fans in the stadium to stay home for a few games, now that would
send a message. No food or beverage or hats or shirt income. Just think
empty stadiums, that would send a big message for the TV audience!!!
Doesn't that sound like Saint Louis already?
I'd like to go
along 100%, but we need to make an exception for the one team that is
the acme of all that is right, good, and true in this world, the Miami
When there was public outrage over the Dixie Chicks, it was media fostered and had impact When folks rebelled because Glenn Dumbass Beck called Obama a racist the effect was very real to his advertisers. I'm not certain that there's a diminuative small enough to describe this tempest in a teapot. This might have weight if FOX were to through their support behind it, but seriously, who carries the contract for the NFC? That's right, FOX. They will sell conservatives down the river for cash, without even thinking about it. This movement goes nowhere ... but Glen Reynolds gave it a thumbs up.
In truth, I think this whole thing was a Rush manufactured stunt. His ratings are flagging, he's losing control of the Republican party due to media scrutiny, and his awful BS is coming back to haunt him with his own advertisers. Remember that comment that pointed out his 25 million listeners? He's trying to keep them. Enabling their hate is certainly one way to do it. They represent 7% of the American population. For a boycott of the NFL to succeed, they have to get 7% to convince the rest of us that the NFL is evil. For his goal to succeed, he merely needs to keep his 7% happy. Jabba the Rush is an awful bloated drug abusing sex tourist, but he's not stupid. When he saw an opportunity for controversy, he chased it, and this is the result: keeping the stupid, stupid.